Depression, heartbreaks, anger.. Those are things I have to go through while growing up. I learnt to live on my own, I learnt to think that, I am born to be alone. And that is how I appear to the world, the brave, bold girl.

I used to think that friends are everything. Yes, they were to be honest. I spent my whole day with them, we laughed together and even cry together. Everytime I was dealing with heartbreaks, they are always there. And that makes me think that I don't need a special boyfriend, because I have them.

But--

After some point, I realized that friends could break hearts more than other people could ever do.

Ahh, I'm talking bullshit again okay nevermind.

I am now going to talk about heart. Yeap, lets clear this up, I want to talk about feelings. Feelings that change,

Now can anyone tell me about feeling, that never change, at all? Nope I guess, feelings do change, eventually. Why? Because most of us think that we are the one who is able to control the feelings we have. Need an example? Here we go.

You did your best and treat people nicely, hoping that they will do the same in return. But no, there will always be certain people who still hate you and think that youre the worst person in the world.

Or maybe you have a lover, that youre willing to marry one day, someday. You did your best to make sure that he or she will be yours.

And you, and me too, sometimes forgot about the one who control the universe, who control the hearts.

"Kun Faya Kun.."

The hearts youre trying to win are all His.

" Kalau tak sayang diri sendiri macam mana nak sayang orang lain? Sebab orang yang nak beri kasih sayang dekat orang lain kena ada kasih sayang yang penuh dulu baru boleh bagi kat orang lain."

Thats what I got from a talk on TV, and that somehow reminds me of him. He was right.
"fight for yourself."

and yes, I will.

I am too eager to fly high. Until i forgot about the one who is always there to lift me up. While trying to forget how hard my life was, I leave almost everything behind and keep moving forward. I try to have a brand new happier life. I almost forget how it feels to be alone, how I love being alone. And how my loneliness catch your attention. I ran away from my old self, which means I ran away from the actual you.

You know what? No matter how I said I love to be alone, I actually need a company. Not necessarily to talk to but I need the one who could always be there, who could make me feel better even when I am all alone in my room. I always need someone even when I told every single one to go away. I built walls around me. And that is what I forgot. And it is my fault. I move forward without looking my past and that is how I slowly lose you.

I fly high by letting you down. I leave you all alone when all you need is my presence. I let you drown in your own thoughts. I let you feel bad. I let you fight yourself, all alone and I am so sorry for that.

It is not that I no longer can read you but I have changed. Changed to someone new. I try to deny all the negative things. Which actually makes things worse. I forgot how to think, like I used to.

I sit all alone, trying to figure everythings up. How to think like before without losing what I have now. I won't go away when you ask me to. I will never let you all alone when all you want is to be alone. Now I remember back on those days, when I tried to push you away when youre trying to come in.

And now I will do the same thing you did to me before. I will try hard to lift you up, I will let you have my wings. I wanna see those sad eyes sparkle. I want you to at least, feel less alone. I wanna fill in your emptiness. Because youre the reason for who I am now. Because I can see my future in you. Because I promised you to always be by your side.

I am so sorry for not being able to read you all these days.