Yesterday's lecture was kind of... Ugh I can't think of any suitable words to describe it so I'll just continue with my story. What I can say about this one lecturer is he is just simply amazing. The way he teach, the way he advice, the way he talk, he is just perfect. I think nobody ever think of skipping his classes. Well, lazy ass me didn't so answer for the rest will be a big fat no. What I have been imagine about his life was perfection. He got the brain, he got the luxury, he got good relationship with the Lord.

But I was wrong!

" Bila saya tengok kamu punya result, apa yang saya boleh cakap, ya Allah, student saya jauh lagi pandai dari saya... " And I was still thinking about what did he went through. And what makes him think that way?

With a melancholic voice he continued.. " Saya ada dyslexia. I can't read until I was 12. Tapi kerana dorongan mak, saya berusaha untuk belajar membaca.."

What comes into my mind at that time was my mum. And the loser me. I can't stop blaming myself for everything happened. When was the last time I get into dad's car and tell him " Abah, Irah dapat nombor satu lagi! " When was the last time I make him proud? When was the last time I make mum cry watching me getting my awards on the stage? It was years ago. A really really long time ago. And now, the only news I could tell them is, I'm sorry mum, dad, I failed.. Again..

Why do I feel like my brain is not capable to do anything great? Why do I feel so weak? How could a person who had dyslexia could turn into an amazing person? And how could a person like me, who is able to read when I was only 3 could turn into such a stupid person? Is it all my fault? Or is it not? I don't need anyone to tell me 'everything is gonna be okay' or 'you can do it' because all those words won't work on me.