Sometimes, I stop myself from writing because I don't want to end up writing about shitty feelings of mine. Because most of the time I just hold on and keep trying to swim eventhough I feel like I almost drown. I feel suffocated.

I guess I still cannot let go of my temporary attachment. Dude it's hard but I will never stop trying. The fear don't want to go away but I'm trying to push it away. I might not be the best but I will try my best.

Before this my biggest fear was to be left behind behind the one I love but now not anymore. Now I am afraid of my own self. I am afraid that I will never be able to be someone better. I am afraid that because of my shitty attitude, people around me will walk away. Because sometimes, I can be bad without me realizing it. It is when I lose control. 

I know He is always by my side but I am so sorry that sometimes I lose my grip. I am sorry that sometimes I stumble and almost falls down. I am so sorry. 

Well, I'm sorry to you readers that you have to read this post. But I somehow find peace when I spill my thoughts out through my writing. Alhamdulillah.

-I spent today doing nothing productive. Blerghhh

-but I have to always put my trust in Him and #DoakanYangTerbaik

-I will do something better tomorrow I promise, dear self. 

I actually planned to write something to you right before I leave but I think now is the right time seems things went rough earlier. So yeah, here we go.

Dear my sweet little baby,

The first thing I want you to know is, I love you. And I will miss you so much because you know why? You’re the best sister I ever had.

The definition of a bestfriend is not someone who could understands you in and out. A bestfriend is also not the one who will spend 24 hours with you. Bestfriends, like lovers too, sometimes need no specific reason why two people could be bestfriends. Okay Im sorry for being too cheesy blergh blerhh AHAHAHA.

Don’t feel bad about yourself honey, you’re more than enough.  You were there when I was over the moon, you were there when I had my heart crushed, you were there when my tummy cried for food, you were there when my tongue craves for the bitterness of coffee, you were always there and I couldn’t ask for more. I am glad that I have you. I am glad that I have a bestfriend who is willing to listen to my shits even its 3 a.m in the morning. I am glad that I have bestfriend who I can hold hands with when I was trembling. I am glad that I have bestfriend who laugh to my stupid jokes. I am glad that I have bestfriend who never leave even when I have my mood goes up and down. I am glad that I have you as my bestfriend.

Don’t feel bad about yourself. Okay listen you little shit, maybe I can’t convince you by saying you’re good enough but you still need to remember that human is far from perfection. You’re not perfect and neither do I. I made mistakes too. I don’t always understand you too. And I am sure that I did make you feel upset throughout the days we have spent together. But it is who I am, and you are who you are. Tell me if I did anything wrong and I will do the same too. Don’t worry, I didn’t hide anything from you anymore (since THAT case, you know what HAHA)

Don’t feel bad about yourself, please. I only have few days left. I wanna leave you with the best memories (I wish I could). I am sorry that I am not really good with words but again, don’t feel bad about yourself because if you’re upset, I will be upset too. Because we’re sisters. I love you to the moon, and never come back. Hiks. Okay I’ll take that word back. I hate you fatass. You make it harder, you make it hard for me to leave.