Promised myself to give up on drumming. But then...

BAM!

"Band camp dekat SIF. Start 9 malam ni."

"Datang la."

Tecik tecik je budak sekarang. Comel. Eh ke aku yang besor? Nyaahahaha

Ahhh that feeling. Orang lain yang pergi dah jadi cikgu , dah bekerjaya and I'm here like.......... What am I doing with my life? Oh yes lupa they're like 4 years older so yeah.. Hahahah. Sikit lagi nak habis diploma sikitttttt je lagi. *lap peluh*

No one will understand,

That is why you should stop trying to put your thoughts into words.

Your effort to spill everything out is worthless you know...

Because basically nobody cares.

All you need to do is, be your own hero.

You know you can't fix everything,

But He can.

Depend only on Him.

Sometimes, I stop myself from writing because I don't want to end up writing about shitty feelings of mine. Because most of the time I just hold on and keep trying to swim eventhough I feel like I almost drown. I feel suffocated.

I guess I still cannot let go of my temporary attachment. Dude it's hard but I will never stop trying. The fear don't want to go away but I'm trying to push it away. I might not be the best but I will try my best.

Before this my biggest fear was to be left behind behind the one I love but now not anymore. Now I am afraid of my own self. I am afraid that I will never be able to be someone better. I am afraid that because of my shitty attitude, people around me will walk away. Because sometimes, I can be bad without me realizing it. It is when I lose control. 

I know He is always by my side but I am so sorry that sometimes I lose my grip. I am sorry that sometimes I stumble and almost falls down. I am so sorry. 

Well, I'm sorry to you readers that you have to read this post. But I somehow find peace when I spill my thoughts out through my writing. Alhamdulillah.

-I spent today doing nothing productive. Blerghhh

-but I have to always put my trust in Him and #DoakanYangTerbaik

-I will do something better tomorrow I promise, dear self. 

I actually planned to write something to you right before I leave but I think now is the right time seems things went rough earlier. So yeah, here we go.

Dear my sweet little baby,

The first thing I want you to know is, I love you. And I will miss you so much because you know why? You’re the best sister I ever had.

The definition of a bestfriend is not someone who could understands you in and out. A bestfriend is also not the one who will spend 24 hours with you. Bestfriends, like lovers too, sometimes need no specific reason why two people could be bestfriends. Okay Im sorry for being too cheesy blergh blerhh AHAHAHA.

Don’t feel bad about yourself honey, you’re more than enough.  You were there when I was over the moon, you were there when I had my heart crushed, you were there when my tummy cried for food, you were there when my tongue craves for the bitterness of coffee, you were always there and I couldn’t ask for more. I am glad that I have you. I am glad that I have a bestfriend who is willing to listen to my shits even its 3 a.m in the morning. I am glad that I have bestfriend who I can hold hands with when I was trembling. I am glad that I have bestfriend who laugh to my stupid jokes. I am glad that I have bestfriend who never leave even when I have my mood goes up and down. I am glad that I have you as my bestfriend.

Don’t feel bad about yourself. Okay listen you little shit, maybe I can’t convince you by saying you’re good enough but you still need to remember that human is far from perfection. You’re not perfect and neither do I. I made mistakes too. I don’t always understand you too. And I am sure that I did make you feel upset throughout the days we have spent together. But it is who I am, and you are who you are. Tell me if I did anything wrong and I will do the same too. Don’t worry, I didn’t hide anything from you anymore (since THAT case, you know what HAHA)

Don’t feel bad about yourself, please. I only have few days left. I wanna leave you with the best memories (I wish I could). I am sorry that I am not really good with words but again, don’t feel bad about yourself because if you’re upset, I will be upset too. Because we’re sisters. I love you to the moon, and never come back. Hiks. Okay I’ll take that word back. I hate you fatass. You make it harder, you make it hard for me to leave. 

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO LEAVE EACH OTHER?

After searching the book ‘Reclaim Your Heart’ for years, I finally bought it yesterday when I go out with the band members. It really worth my wait and the contents are as good as expected. The first topic catches my attention the most. Attachment. Since I am leaving Arau soon, I think this topic is one of the most suitable things to write about.

Not everyone knows that I am the one who is easily attached to people. I mean, once I like people I will be too attached to them. I don’t want to let them go no matter what. I will do anything to make our relationship the way it is before without even thinking that people do change, so does the situation. I used to think once someone means the world to me, the feeling will stay like forever. I cannot accept that people can lose feeling towards each other. I cannot accept that a bestfriend could lose the title. I cannot accept the fact that love could turn to hate just in a blink because for me love and relationship are serious matters. And that is how I set myself to be broken.

“Nothing happens without a purpose. Nothing. Not even broken hearts. Not even pain. That broken heart and that pain are lessons and signs for us. They are warning that something is wrong. They are warning that we need to make change.”-Yasmin Mogahed.

“Verily never will God change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves.”-Qur’an, 13:11.

“And if the is one recipe for unhappiness it is that; expectation. My expectations were in people, relationship, means. Ultimately my hope was in this dunya rather than Allah.”-Yasmin Mogahed.

This book really speaks my mind. I was wrong. I thought I was doing my best my always be there when people need me. I thought by lending people my shoulders when they’re miserable could make them do the same when I feel down. I made a mistake by depending too much on people.

Losing people is normal. Things won’t always happen the way I want. And the only thing I can do is, give my all the one who is not changing and not temporary; Him. It is not that I don’t know about this before but me myself is one bad slave. I make mistakes and I need to change.

Time to leave is almost there. Some people doubt me. They wonder that I will forget them once I found better people to hang out with. I cannot promise anything. I won’t say that I will never ever forget them. I won’t tell that they will always be in my heart. Because you know what? Promises are bullshit. Some people sometimes keep promising without even trying to make it true. Trust me I learnt it hard way. But hey don’t worry, with God’s will, we will meet sooner or later. Don’t stop praying to best for me and I will do the same to you too okay? 

“Perasaan itu adalah lebih baik disimpan.”

Yasss!

Yelah, kalau luahkan pun, hari-hari cakap sayang hari-hari cakap rindu, sampai masa orang tu dah bosan dah menyampah dengan rutin sama kena buang jugak. HA-HA. Lain kalau dah kahwin suka hati la nak cakap apa, nak luah apa tapi kalau kena tinggal jugak aku cincang sampai lumat. *gelak jahat*

I honestly feel bad about myself.

I feel like, I am not good enough, not for anyone. But trust me I am willing to change, I am willing to learn.

Doakan yang terbaik. *smirk*

It is only a few days we have spent our  time together but ayyyyyyy I feel so attached to you guys and this is going to be my last semester and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaa kejapnyaaaaa I surely going to miss y’all. 

Final examination is next week. My grade doesn’t seem good. It is getting worse to be honest. I sometimes feel like losing hope but all I need to hold on because I need to finish what I have started no matter how much I hate it. This is going to be the last semester isn’t it?

Phew. *Heavily breathing*