Cold- low or relatively low temperature / lacking affection or warmth of feeling; unemotional.

Despite all other negative characteristics of myself, I am afraid of my coldness. I spend my tines thinking about “should I get married?” because not like normal person, I enjoy being alone. Sometimes, I just don’t really want to talk and I will just sleep or do anything alone. What will happen if I get married? How can I live with another people in one similar room and can I tell him not to bother me? Or maybe sometimes anything he do will annoy me because hey! I need my space, I want to be alone. I really need someone who could understand my silence because it could be the thing I need the most. And my spouse also needs to understand that I am both clingy and want to be alone. Yep, two personalities with huge difference but that is me. And I definitely need to think about this since mum keeps asking me about getting married bla bla bla when here I am still not ready to be someone’s wife and mum, and I still think I don’t deserve to be one. Not yet or never, only He knows.

You, you might read this or maybe not… I write this post not to impress you or trying to prove you something. I know I always don’t make any sense when I say anything or whatever but among all of those contradiction we have, we also share this one similarity; coldness. And I think this is what tears us apart. It’s like you and me, think that we are hurting each other but the truth is we are hurting our own self. You might deny this, yes. “You don’t understand me anymore…” You may be right but you also might be wrong. Because remember what I said a few months ago? “The biggest enemy we need to fight is our own selves…” You want to know why? It is because our thoughts are limitless. The brain could manipulates good thought to bad and could food us by telling us the stupid decision we made are the best thing ever or vice versa.

Hurting people is definitely not an option but still, it cannot be avoided. Please don’t feel bad about that but don’t act like it doesn’t matter too. You do sin, you can repent, you cause trouble, you may ask for forgiveness. Life is tough, don’t make it harder. People don’t need to worry about hurting me because I am already broken and the pain causes me to be numb. I learnt it. And yes, you cannot break a person who is already broken.  I am suggesting a way to hurt less, which is give more and expect less. Understand people instead wanting them to understand us and I think this is the answer for this question “She answer most of the question, if it was about her, in sad tone, but once I shifted the character like “I’m not really good with people” and she will end up giving huge amount of lectures and positive vibes. Then I asked myself. Why she didn’t so it to herself?”  I understand people but not myself. Because it is easier to convince people that everything is going to be okay. But not to own self.

Phew.

I feel good now I not really sure why but thanks God. Back to the coldness, it actually something I really want to change. It is not the silence makes me feel bad but the distance between me and the rest of my family. And guess what? One person who I wish I could grow old with left because of my stupid silence and the so called “routine”. I wish I could make him feel less lonely, I wish I could make him feel loved I wish I could make him feel better but haha clap clap I am damn too boring to be with people will always tend to lose interest in me. Always. People misunderstood my silence as “I don’t care I don’t give a fuck.” Hm, no further explanation needed and I always know that I cannot leap through time and undo my wrongdoings. All I can do now is look forward. Good things are waiting ahead, hopefully. J