“Sometimes, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who’s struggling. Who’s frustrated or unsatisfied, or barely getting by. The feeling is a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us hear the music in the world, to remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there. And that someone will find you.”

All these times, I tried to stand up alone. Pretending I am strong enough to face the world, I end up my night feeling like a scum of the world. No tears could come out since bitterness has eaten me up. I feel numb. But I always have this little hope, with God’s will, one day, I will meet the one. And every time I pray, I never miss to ask Him to make me stronger. To make me feel the pain less. Until one day, I had someone said this to me.

“But maybe all this while, she was struggling alone. Maybe, she needs a hand.”

This guy. Know my struggle. Without realizing it, I slowly start to open up. I lowered my guard down and gave him my trust that he will never ever let me down. Never. Ever. And that was the first mistake I made. I put my trust on him and once its broken I feel like I have lost all my trust. He took the wind out of my sail.

“Dear God, if he is the one for me please make me stronger to face the upcoming days but if not, please make me the strongest to deal the heart break, and I know, You know what is the best for me.”

Well, I think my prayer is answered. He left with no specific reason. Hm, I guess so. I guess he is not the right one. I thought I could handle this pain like usual but no, this time, things are different. I am not sure with my feelings. I really want him back and at the same time I think it would be worthless. Like, what If he leaves me once again? Could it be worse?

I have been thinking all the possibilities about me, and him. What if we get back together ( which is we won’t. Yes I know him, he is the one who will stick with his decision.) and what if we not. And I don’t really have an answer for that. My thoughts are such a mess. Nothing seems right and nothing could make it right, for now.

For what happened between us, I actually blame myself too, for being such a weirdo and do things I think could hurt his less but probably I did hurt him more than I expected. And now, I have become an insensitive bitch who can’t stop annoying him.

“You ruined my future.”

Yup, I told him that. And I am sure that is the meanest thing someone could ever say to someone who actually care. But by saying that I didn't mean for all what he have done my future is all blurry or maybe blacked out but I need to tell you people this thing;

Once you hurt someone, you may be forgiven but the nightmare that stay, it will haunt till the rest of the life. I will be fine, eventually but the feeling will never go away. And that is how people get the emotional breakdown. And please, stop saying that people who have this kind of problem have bad relationship with the Creator. You will have no idea how many times they cry, asking Him to wipe all the sadness away. You will never know the guilt they feel for facing Him, making too much whishes although they know His love and mercy have no limit, although they know He will always be there throughout the ups and downs. The pain is real.

I can be strong. I can keep my head up high. I can still give my smile and laugh at the stupid jokes.

But it will be somehow tiring. One day, maybe tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, more few months or maybe years, the feeling will come and haunt me back. I can still feel the sadness, frustration, anger, all at once and that time, I am sure all the nightmares I had will come all together. I will never ever hate anyone but myself. I will never ever blame anyone but me. Because you know why?

I failed. I failed to be the best, I failed to control my emotion, I made people disappointed. I failed.

And that is how I give myself a sweet nick; The Professional Loser.