I don't mind if I can't have a good rest on weekends. I don't mind even if Im not being able to "qada" my sleep on weekends. Because I choose to live this way. I choose to be in the drumline. I choose to play musics. But why, why did you keep complaining about it when I didn't?

I never abandoned my work. I just do it last minute but still, I finish it on time. Why people like you guys, who have way more free time than me couldn't do it?

" Hurry up, I need to compile all these things. I have no time left." " what? You think you're the only one who have tons of work to do?!" " well okay then but what makes you so busy?" " qada tidur." HAHA are you fucking kidding me man? Want me to stick my middle finger on your face?

Grouping work will always be my worst experience in university. Everyone is just so sick. And nobody will hear you if you don't have good grades. Happened to me. I did told them about some important things but everyone was just ignoring me. Then someone in dean list told the exact thing everyone will be like "oh yes thats the answer oh this kid is so intelligent." Shit just got real. I hate the fact that I live in a stupid society.

Everything is going to be okay. Don't worry you will be alright bla bla bla blergh I just hate those kind of words. Stop being positive. You don't even know what I am going through so please, shut up. Its not that I hate all the positive vibes but yeah, I don't really like it. No don't, don't ask me about my health condition. I'll get mad without you knowing it. I get mad easily if anyone ask me "are you okay?" Even if its my parent. I just hate that kind of attention. I am always feeling good. I am strong and I can stand by myself.

A friend once said that one of the reason why I stay single for a long period is because I am too choosy. And I keep pushing people away.

Hm choosy you said? Remember the last time I fell in love? Yes, with a footballer. "Hoi what happened?! Where's all the rugger in your campus? Do they exist? Hahaha!" And all friends there laughed, knowing the truth. See? If I am choosy then I will only date ruggers. I guess everyone knows how addicted I am to rugby. How I admire rugby players. But why I choose a footballer? No, I didn't choose him. The feelings just came naturally without me noticing it.

Well, but I the part you said that I keep pushing people away is true. I don't even know why but I just love being alone. Maybe I seem friendly or I hang out a lot but once I'm home I really need to be alone. No texting, no chit chatting. I will isolate myself from people. And to be honest, here in college, I like stay in room with strangers rather than with close friends. Why? Because if my roomate is my close friends, I might feel like they're bothering me just by keep talking to me. I need times for myself.

It is kind of disturbing looking at the sphere globe when I know mother earth's shape is actually geiod. It is kind of disturbing learning that Greenwhich is the centre of the earth when the truth is it is not. Don't you feel like a fool being hypocrite on examination paper answering what you learn in text book and not from what you actually feel or at least not all the lies which has been told? Fixed examination answers are like trying to prove people that having different thought from the others is a major crime. Why?

Good results mean nothing for me when my health condition is worsening. Alhamdulillah my grade is getting better but what about the other? Health? Happiness? This is not what I want but I am sure that this could make mum and dad happy. Nothing else matters.

Numbers and I just can't get along. I can't stay focus longer than 30 minutes. That is why I spent most of the time doodling random things on my notebook. Staring to numbers make me sick.

Oh please dear self, don't get mad easily. Not everyone could think the way you do. And that is not a good reason for you to get mad. Be patient. Everything will be okay..

So yesterday was the worst day I guess. Everyone knows that I am the one who won't cry in public but I did cry. The ache was unbearable, my head feels like going to explode. I closed my eyes with my hands throughout the lecture hour. I didn't want to see any light. Its killing me. Its okay because I'm used to it but I didn't expect its going to happen in public. I wish abah was there to give me massages. :(

To be honest, I never call my parents if I'm not feeling well. I don't want to burden them with my sickness. I want to prove them that I am okay to live alone. I don't want them to worry about me. But a mother's instict was amazing. She called me when I just woke up and hear my voice. I can tell no lie. Her voice changes once I told her that my head hurts. And that makes me feel so sad. I'm sorry...

Pretending to be happy is the best way to cover up my actual feelings. The ache never stop and I don't even know why. But thanks God it is not that bad. Get well soon dear self! Keep on fighting.

Hi there. You must be wondering why most of my post here have no title. If I put a title then I have to spend most of the time thinking about it rather than writing the rest. For me the title has no importance though. This is how I think about other stuff too. A pretty face does not reflect someone's character but the sad thing is, that is how most of us do. And I'm included. No matter how many times I remind myself not to jugde, I keep on judging things the way I should not. Depends on my mood.

I have no idea why I love to isolate myself lately. I just simply feel better doing that. I choose not to get close to anyone. I keep a distance in the relationship between me and friends. Because I don't want to be clingy like I used to. I want to learn stand by myself no matter what. So today I was told by the lecturer to choose a partner for a test. And I volunteered myself to be a parter to someone who is always be abandoned by my classmates and a friend told me " Chii ni okay je dengan siapa pun kan? " and I smiled.. Because nothing is wrong with it I guess.

Dear mates, what makes you think you deserve to hate other people? I mean to let them feel down and sad? Although I personally hate people so much but at the same time I always try my best to make them happy. Nobody deserves to be sad. You know what makes you worse than the person you hate? Your negativity. Everyone makes mistakes. I make mistakes and nobody is perfect. Don't you ever complain. Because everyone has their own weaknesses.

Yesterday's lecture was kind of... Ugh I can't think of any suitable words to describe it so I'll just continue with my story. What I can say about this one lecturer is he is just simply amazing. The way he teach, the way he advice, the way he talk, he is just perfect. I think nobody ever think of skipping his classes. Well, lazy ass me didn't so answer for the rest will be a big fat no. What I have been imagine about his life was perfection. He got the brain, he got the luxury, he got good relationship with the Lord.

But I was wrong!

" Bila saya tengok kamu punya result, apa yang saya boleh cakap, ya Allah, student saya jauh lagi pandai dari saya... " And I was still thinking about what did he went through. And what makes him think that way?

With a melancholic voice he continued.. " Saya ada dyslexia. I can't read until I was 12. Tapi kerana dorongan mak, saya berusaha untuk belajar membaca.."

What comes into my mind at that time was my mum. And the loser me. I can't stop blaming myself for everything happened. When was the last time I get into dad's car and tell him " Abah, Irah dapat nombor satu lagi! " When was the last time I make him proud? When was the last time I make mum cry watching me getting my awards on the stage? It was years ago. A really really long time ago. And now, the only news I could tell them is, I'm sorry mum, dad, I failed.. Again..

Why do I feel like my brain is not capable to do anything great? Why do I feel so weak? How could a person who had dyslexia could turn into an amazing person? And how could a person like me, who is able to read when I was only 3 could turn into such a stupid person? Is it all my fault? Or is it not? I don't need anyone to tell me 'everything is gonna be okay' or 'you can do it' because all those words won't work on me.

Sometimes it is fun to sit alone in a crowd. There would be a lot of things that you won't be able to see if you are with your fellas. Albeit it is fun and won't look like a loser when you're with known people around you, I am more comfortable with my self all alone. sitting on a chair and sink myself in the situation. At this stage I will be able to think about any possible thing which I am not going to think when i'm surrounded with my mates. I am also curious about the strangers who walk alone. Did he or she got no friends or maybe they are just another part of me ; love to live that way.  I no longer think that people really need each other. Everyone is just so selfish and have no idea how they could behave that way. I find that as we grown up, it is harder to find a true friend. So I start to cherish all memories I have. I thought that old friends happen to be with each other but its wrong because people change. Or maybe the situation force the relationship to fade away. Am I the only one who appreciate the friendship? Or I am just being paranoid? I don't need an answer because it doesn't really matter although sometimes it is. I will just left it hanging and continue enjoying every single moments before my life is taken by the almighty Allah. 

Heyyy it has been so long! 

Well, I actually did write a lot but I just keep it to myself since I don't really feel comfortable to share anything with others. Reading SeaMeow's blog just makes me miss blogging. Hm, everything went well I guess except for the battle between me and my own thought. Aku paranoid yang teramat. Dan pernah sampai satu tahap tu aku rasa semua orang benci aku. For all what I've said, for all what I've done.  And that is why I'd rather spend my time alone, away from others. 

I did deleted my old blog because it makes me hate myself. Yeah it was stupid thou so lets leave it behind. If you keep on reading my blog, I don't think you will know which one is the real me. I sometimes could be supportive with all the good vibes, and I might be the one with full of anger and hatred.

Oh ya, jangan tanya kenapa aku kadang-kadang berbahasa gaya pendekar lama, kadang-kadang gaya si penjajah negara. I do think some words are better to be expressed in languages other than Malay. Kenapa? Sebab aku rasa geli nak luahkan perasaan dalam bahasa ibunda. Ikut kau nak kata apa aku tak kisah. This is how I am.

Ahh, I can't think of anything right now. Till we meet again, good bye!