Abah wants my phone so im gonna post the notes I wrote here.

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Here they come the feeling of sadness, frustrated, and I'm not being able to do anything. I can't think of anything good. I can't focus on my studies. I feel longing. Longing for something I don't even know. I feel sad for nothing. I over think. 

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Happy birthday to me!! Well, there is actually nothing special with a birthday. Things that I could think about are there will more upcoming problems, tests and survival. Life contains so many unexpected journey. Things you think would happen not always actually happens. Just like when you found someone you think will be you life partner then eventually left. Just like suddenly a stranger could be your closest friend. The unexpected journey of life is what changes you. Food once you claimed you hate become your favourite. Person you promised you will never be like one become your idol. Things keep changing as the time flies. And when you are at that one stage, you will realize. At that time there's  a lot of thing you feel regret of, but of course there will always be something that you will be proud of. So, while you live, please avoid the negative vibes, live to the fullest and enjoy every second of it. Oh yes, don't forget to thank The Lord for lending you such a beautiful life. ;>

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You know what, I always come out with the idea of never judge anyone, no matter what. I do not know what a person is going through so there's no reason for me to keep judging people. Be positive and don't be mad over something ridiculous. 

But,

There's another part of me who keeps telling that people nowadays are so wrong. They're so pathetic. And I keep wondering how could certain people could be so dumb and make stupid mistakes. I keep judging. Again and again.

.

Hey its already 2.29 am and here I am keep wondering how my life could be in 10 more years. Yes I know how stupid it is to dream more and work less but there is nothing I could do because my laziness is beyond everything. I am too lazy to move, too lazy to talk and too lazy to think. I'd prefer to talk to myself rather than anyone else. 

So like usual, the never ending toture to a Geomatic student, I still have another test tomorrow. Yes everyone now starts to enjoy their 1 week of holiday and here we are still working hard for the course. I also have another 4 assignments to be done and my computer is working at its worse tell me how can I finish this in 2 days.

One of the reason why I love to run away from people is because I don't want to hurt anyone. Yes, I get mad easily and my words are not always good. The time you see me socializing is when I was in good mood and if not I actually tried my best not to spread my anger. So people please, stop bothering me.

Its so stressful nowadays and that makes me could feel the pain almost everyday. And I always hope that one day I could wake up in the morning with no blood stains on my bedsheet, or cloth.. "Pening sikit je tu tahan je lah..". Bullshit. That was bullshit and I always feels like punching people on the face everytime they say that and no thanks I also don't need any concern from anyone so stay away from me and keep your mouth shut.

To be honest I am the one who is way far from your expectation. I am not strong as you think I am, I am not the one who you think I am. I lied a lot to myself.

"Ahh kau Chii takpe. Repeat paper banyak mana pun kau mampu bertahan. Kau kuat." My friend told me the time I tell her about my life in uni. But nobody know how my heart breaks everytime I got my results. How many times and how I regret waking up in the morning because my life is totally sucks!

"Allah always has a better plan."
"Think of why you started."

And here I am standing still. Using all my strengh to fight the negative vibes, trying so hard to give my best smile, to show the world that this is me, Shahirah Azman, the strongest, bold and brave girl. Such a great liar. I think I deserve a medal. Haha

Well I actually still can't move on. I can't live about my old buddies. I still thinking about how amazing it is if they are here with me, enjoying every single moments together. I want to be friends with everyone without falling in love because love sucks. I want a good "brotherhood". I miss spending an evening at the beach. I miss spending a night at room 2 playing DoTA and end up sleeping. I miss fighting about our favourite rugby teams. I miss having brothers who I could talk about everything. I miss having brothers who got mad when I have my heart broken. I miss my bestfriends.

But everyone changes. I am not anymore their only girl. And I am now a grown up girl, it feels so awkward to be the only lady among a group of gentleman. Blergh.

Best sangat rasa dia kalau boleh banggakan Umi Abah. Nak mintak apa pun senang sebab tak rasa bersalah. Kalau sekarang nak mintak RM10 pun rasa macam "pui result pun macam tahi ada hati nak mintak itu ini."

Kau pernah jatuh tak? Jatuh tergolek yang sampai buat kau rasa tak mampu nak bangun. Rasa patah kaki tapi orang sekeliling tetap harap kau boleh menang pertandingan lumba lari? Rasa macam diri tak berguna kan? Rasa macam loser gila. Rasa macam nak jalan sambil heret muka kat lantai.

People who know me since I was a young little girl keep on judging me by my old self. Sumpah rasa macam nak jerit. Aku dah bodoh sekarang, dah tak pandai macam dulu dah. Satu tambah satu pun ambik masa 1 jam aku nak dapat jawapan dia berapa kau paham takkkk?!!!

I have this one feeling that I always fail to explain. Bila Umi Abah tanya kenapa result teruk macam ni, aku tak ada jawan nak bagi. Aku diam. Aku pun tak tahu apa dah jadi. Tiap kali Umi cakap "Umi kenal anak Umi, anak Umi mesti boleh punya.." aku rasa macam nak meraung kat situ jugak. No mum no.. I actually can't do this. I'm a loser.

Aku rasa macam dah kena curse. Aku dulu selalu benci jadi pandai. I hate being to centre of attention. I hate going up the stage receiving the awards. And here I am now, nobody knows me and the last time I got an award was 5 years ago. Haha poor me.

Sekarang aku nak cari balik diri yang lama. Bukan nak berlagak bukan nak bajet pandai. Tapi nak balas balik jasa Umi Abah. I wanna be the one like they want me to be. Walaupun Umi Abah selalu cakap "Ikut la akak nak jadi apa pun kami tak kisah.." but deep down your heart I know that theres something you're hiding from me. Boleh nampak. I can tell how happy you are when I got an offer for Geomatic course.

Ahh, I miss you Umi Abah :(