WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO LEAVE EACH OTHER?

After searching the book ‘Reclaim Your Heart’ for years, I finally bought it yesterday when I go out with the band members. It really worth my wait and the contents are as good as expected. The first topic catches my attention the most. Attachment. Since I am leaving Arau soon, I think this topic is one of the most suitable things to write about.

Not everyone knows that I am the one who is easily attached to people. I mean, once I like people I will be too attached to them. I don’t want to let them go no matter what. I will do anything to make our relationship the way it is before without even thinking that people do change, so does the situation. I used to think once someone means the world to me, the feeling will stay like forever. I cannot accept that people can lose feeling towards each other. I cannot accept that a bestfriend could lose the title. I cannot accept the fact that love could turn to hate just in a blink because for me love and relationship are serious matters. And that is how I set myself to be broken.

“Nothing happens without a purpose. Nothing. Not even broken hearts. Not even pain. That broken heart and that pain are lessons and signs for us. They are warning that something is wrong. They are warning that we need to make change.”-Yasmin Mogahed.

“Verily never will God change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves.”-Qur’an, 13:11.

“And if the is one recipe for unhappiness it is that; expectation. My expectations were in people, relationship, means. Ultimately my hope was in this dunya rather than Allah.”-Yasmin Mogahed.

This book really speaks my mind. I was wrong. I thought I was doing my best my always be there when people need me. I thought by lending people my shoulders when they’re miserable could make them do the same when I feel down. I made a mistake by depending too much on people.

Losing people is normal. Things won’t always happen the way I want. And the only thing I can do is, give my all the one who is not changing and not temporary; Him. It is not that I don’t know about this before but me myself is one bad slave. I make mistakes and I need to change.

Time to leave is almost there. Some people doubt me. They wonder that I will forget them once I found better people to hang out with. I cannot promise anything. I won’t say that I will never ever forget them. I won’t tell that they will always be in my heart. Because you know what? Promises are bullshit. Some people sometimes keep promising without even trying to make it true. Trust me I learnt it hard way. But hey don’t worry, with God’s will, we will meet sooner or later. Don’t stop praying to best for me and I will do the same to you too okay? 

“Perasaan itu adalah lebih baik disimpan.”

Yasss!

Yelah, kalau luahkan pun, hari-hari cakap sayang hari-hari cakap rindu, sampai masa orang tu dah bosan dah menyampah dengan rutin sama kena buang jugak. HA-HA. Lain kalau dah kahwin suka hati la nak cakap apa, nak luah apa tapi kalau kena tinggal jugak aku cincang sampai lumat. *gelak jahat*

I honestly feel bad about myself.

I feel like, I am not good enough, not for anyone. But trust me I am willing to change, I am willing to learn.

Doakan yang terbaik. *smirk*

It is only a few days we have spent our  time together but ayyyyyyy I feel so attached to you guys and this is going to be my last semester and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaa kejapnyaaaaa I surely going to miss y’all. 

Final examination is next week. My grade doesn’t seem good. It is getting worse to be honest. I sometimes feel like losing hope but all I need to hold on because I need to finish what I have started no matter how much I hate it. This is going to be the last semester isn’t it?

Phew. *Heavily breathing*

To understand and to be understood. I spent my highschool years wondering why is it too hard for people to understand me. Parents, siblings, friends... Yes I did go out a lot those days but I still feel lonely at the end of the day.  And at one point, what if they do understand me but I am the one who didn’t understand them? What if they do almost everything they can to keep me satisfied but I didn’t realize that?

It somehow damn too hard to try to understand people I almost end up losing control but people really need to know the sweetness of giving without hoping for any return. Orang melayu cakap buat apa apa tu biar ikhlas.

Cakap pasal ikhlas, aku ada satu cerita. Dimana kejadian ini berlaku kepada orang yang agak dekat dengan aku.

Nak dijadikan cerita, si A ( bukan nama sebenar ) nak beli rumah, and almost everything has been settle but then suami si A ni ambil keputusan untuk cancel kan plan nak beli rumah tu. Sebabnya, beliau mahu sumbangkan sejumlah wang yang agak banyak kepada yang memerlukan…

Feeling a little upset, si A ni mengadu lah dekat kawan dia si B… And the friend gave her a really bad respond ( bagi aku la ) iaitu ; “Weh kau tak sayang ke duit macam tu bagi kat orang?? Kalau aku dah mengangis kalau suami aku buat macam tu. Baik buat beli rumah baru.”

And guess what happened next?

B a few days later calls A crying, saying that she lost thousands ringgit sebab rumah kena masuk pencuri.

See?

No aku tak nak cakap pasal keburukkan kata-kata si B tapi point utama aku nak cakap yang kalau Tuhan nak tarik balik nikmat yang ada tu kejap je. Oleh itu, jangan kedekut untuk bersedekah. Memberi biar ikhlas. Alahh, duit boleh cari lain apa. And trust me, the more you give, the more you will get back.

Umi ada pesan, kalau nak bagi apa-apa kat orang, bagi benda yang kita suka ataupun rasa sayang nak bagi. Dengan cara tu kita boleh belajar tentang erti keikhlasan.

Okay itu hanya selingan.

Back to the main topic, understanding people. Aku ada tengok satu video ni, mengenai 2 orang pemuda minta makanan daripada orang biasa dan juga orang-orang homeless. Hasilnya, orang yang biasa berduit cukup makan minum akan halau orang yang minta makanan dan amazingly, orang homeless, tak ada duit, makan tak cukup, sanggup kongsi makanan. Why? Because they understand how it feels to have nothing, how it feels to starve.

Alhamdulillah, sekarang aku makan pakai cukup tapi aku tak nak jadi orang yang tak reti nak merasai kesusahan orang lain. Takkan nak tunggu Dia tarik segala nikmat yang ada baru nak sedOR ye dok? :P

Now lets start trying to understand people. Lets give the love around.

Peace be upon you.

Writing could release stress.  There is this one article I read during an English test a few weeks ago, saying that there is a research about how writing could reduce the tense especially during an examination. They made a test which needs students to write about how they feel before the examination going and amazingly those who spill out their feelings on the paper score more than others who don’t. What about the content of the writing? Does it one of the factors too? Yes. There is also another test done which need a group of students to write about how they feel, their fear and worries about the upcoming examination right before sitting for it and another group need students to write anything they want. The result shows that those who write specifically about how they feel about the paper they are going to sit score higher marks.

Duhh, I feel like my English is worsening *cries*.

Expressing feelings is one of the hardest things to do. Some of us, including me, think that it is way easier to write rather than talking. Because writing doesn’t require to face anyone but, BUT—sometimes I feel like I am lying to myself when I am writing. Hahaha well yes, nobody can read my face expression. Nyahaha macam semalam kantoi depan korang malu woi I can’t even put my poker face on. Okay forget about that.

Blergh blegh dah lupa nak tulis apa.

Tapi kan, what about those who cannot put their thoughts into words? Not to speak and not even write. So awak yang rasa rasa nak kenal dengan orang macam tu sila siapkan diri anda. I am here if you need help :P

Why we (girls) choose to build up the walls?

“Hi, I’d like to know more about you...”

Most girls will have butterflies in their stomach when a guy is trying to approach but for me, and some other girls who are just like me, the heart will filled with hatred. And many other unexplainable feelings.

“But hey come on it was just a joke!”

Yes, but you also need to know others nightmare is not a freaking joke. Girls usually can easily fall in love when some guy actually understands her. Like, yes, to be understood is the main thing we crave for and once we found that one guy, we tend to let the guard down. It’s not that we are being hypocrite by not being ourselves but we do put a border between the one we really, really, really close to and the one who is only a friend. Well, isn’t it normal?

When we are with that one particular person we decided to let him in, it’s like we have our soul naked.

“I trust him, and I am sure he is the one who understands me the most.”

“He knows who I actually am; there is no way he will leave.”

“He knows how I will suffer if he leave and I know he will never ever going to do that.”

Once we open up to someone, we put all of our trust in that person. Guess what happen if… That 

person… Leave?

The world turns upside down. To get up is like to put all the effort to make people think we are just fine.

During that moment, we are building a brand new wall. A stronger wall made my fear, sadness, depression and frustration.

Since the wall is made with all those ingredients, you need to know that it is really, really precious. 

Don’t you ever try to break the walls down. It hurts and it’s not a joke. Not at all.

After playing the drum for over 5 years I suddenly realize that it is actually not really… My thing. I still enjoy following the beats but to perform, to be the centre of attention, to stand in front of the crowd, I cannot do that.

“What? So what is going to happen during the competition?”

I don’t know. It is going to be the last one so I promise to myself and others too, I will try my best to overcome that feeling.

I am fine. Well, if not, I will, eventually.

Should I make a new blog or should I stick to this one?

Advice for Muslim Women by Malcolm X

"Once your work is finished, don’t watch the television. Once your work is finished, find something constructive to add to your mind.

Have an hour for reading. And I don’t mean read comic books. Read something that will make you know what’s happening.. So when you get into a conversation you can sound intelligent, even if you aren’t!

Do you hear what I’m saying?

What kind of man wants a wife today who can’t hold a conversation? No, don’t a man wanna sit up and talk to you about babies, rr about ‘Johnny need some shoes’, your husband don’t wanna even hear that!

One of the reasons you have trouble in your house is you can’t carry an intelligent adult conversation. When your husband was there, you talk trash! That’s all you talk, trash!

Now he come out he’s a Muslim, he wants to talk about Ya’qub. He wants to talk about the sun, moon and stars! He wants to talk about Prophet Adam, even if he don’t know what he’s talking about, that’s what he wanna talk about.

I’m telling you this so you won’t lose your husband.

All of you will agree that your husband is more serious once he became a Muslim than he was when he was a Christian. He’s serious! Now you can’t hold no man now like you used to… talking some trash about sister so-and-so!

I mean I’m telling you, that will drive a man crazy. So go get a book and read!

And then when he comes in the house, start talking about something that’s going to nourish his mind and nourish your mind. Read your lessons, and talk about the lessons!

See, you’ve been so far away from this that if your husband sits and reads or studies… he could be reading beside you studying something serious, you think he’s ignoring you!

But if he puts down his book and both of you sit and watch TV together, that makes you happy doesn’t it?

Why don’t you think that he can read with you as easily as watch the television with you? I’m going to tell you why. You don’t know enough about what he’s reading. You don’t know enough about what he’s interested in.

So that when he’s doing what he’s interested in, you feel left out!

But the television is your level! Please forgive me for saying this. But no, the television is your level!You got a ‘television’ brain, a ‘television’ vocabulary and you live in a ‘television’ world!

Now as long as your man is spending time with you on your level, your happy!

But when he tries to get you into a world that’s based on intellect, that’s based on intelligence, that’s based on nourishing that brain, you feel left out. And you are left out! I don’t make you angry for saying this do I?

But this is good for you because when you understand that, you know how to get in, and if you got in, you know how to keep in! But if you don’t understand then I guarantee you that you won’t keep what you got and you won’t get what you got your eyes on!"

Cold- low or relatively low temperature / lacking affection or warmth of feeling; unemotional.

Despite all other negative characteristics of myself, I am afraid of my coldness. I spend my tines thinking about “should I get married?” because not like normal person, I enjoy being alone. Sometimes, I just don’t really want to talk and I will just sleep or do anything alone. What will happen if I get married? How can I live with another people in one similar room and can I tell him not to bother me? Or maybe sometimes anything he do will annoy me because hey! I need my space, I want to be alone. I really need someone who could understand my silence because it could be the thing I need the most. And my spouse also needs to understand that I am both clingy and want to be alone. Yep, two personalities with huge difference but that is me. And I definitely need to think about this since mum keeps asking me about getting married bla bla bla when here I am still not ready to be someone’s wife and mum, and I still think I don’t deserve to be one. Not yet or never, only He knows.

You, you might read this or maybe not… I write this post not to impress you or trying to prove you something. I know I always don’t make any sense when I say anything or whatever but among all of those contradiction we have, we also share this one similarity; coldness. And I think this is what tears us apart. It’s like you and me, think that we are hurting each other but the truth is we are hurting our own self. You might deny this, yes. “You don’t understand me anymore…” You may be right but you also might be wrong. Because remember what I said a few months ago? “The biggest enemy we need to fight is our own selves…” You want to know why? It is because our thoughts are limitless. The brain could manipulates good thought to bad and could food us by telling us the stupid decision we made are the best thing ever or vice versa.

Hurting people is definitely not an option but still, it cannot be avoided. Please don’t feel bad about that but don’t act like it doesn’t matter too. You do sin, you can repent, you cause trouble, you may ask for forgiveness. Life is tough, don’t make it harder. People don’t need to worry about hurting me because I am already broken and the pain causes me to be numb. I learnt it. And yes, you cannot break a person who is already broken.  I am suggesting a way to hurt less, which is give more and expect less. Understand people instead wanting them to understand us and I think this is the answer for this question “She answer most of the question, if it was about her, in sad tone, but once I shifted the character like “I’m not really good with people” and she will end up giving huge amount of lectures and positive vibes. Then I asked myself. Why she didn’t so it to herself?”  I understand people but not myself. Because it is easier to convince people that everything is going to be okay. But not to own self.

Phew.

I feel good now I not really sure why but thanks God. Back to the coldness, it actually something I really want to change. It is not the silence makes me feel bad but the distance between me and the rest of my family. And guess what? One person who I wish I could grow old with left because of my stupid silence and the so called “routine”. I wish I could make him feel less lonely, I wish I could make him feel loved I wish I could make him feel better but haha clap clap I am damn too boring to be with people will always tend to lose interest in me. Always. People misunderstood my silence as “I don’t care I don’t give a fuck.” Hm, no further explanation needed and I always know that I cannot leap through time and undo my wrongdoings. All I can do now is look forward. Good things are waiting ahead, hopefully. J

“Sometimes, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who’s struggling. Who’s frustrated or unsatisfied, or barely getting by. The feeling is a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us hear the music in the world, to remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there. And that someone will find you.”

All these times, I tried to stand up alone. Pretending I am strong enough to face the world, I end up my night feeling like a scum of the world. No tears could come out since bitterness has eaten me up. I feel numb. But I always have this little hope, with God’s will, one day, I will meet the one. And every time I pray, I never miss to ask Him to make me stronger. To make me feel the pain less. Until one day, I had someone said this to me.

“But maybe all this while, she was struggling alone. Maybe, she needs a hand.”

This guy. Know my struggle. Without realizing it, I slowly start to open up. I lowered my guard down and gave him my trust that he will never ever let me down. Never. Ever. And that was the first mistake I made. I put my trust on him and once its broken I feel like I have lost all my trust. He took the wind out of my sail.

“Dear God, if he is the one for me please make me stronger to face the upcoming days but if not, please make me the strongest to deal the heart break, and I know, You know what is the best for me.”

Well, I think my prayer is answered. He left with no specific reason. Hm, I guess so. I guess he is not the right one. I thought I could handle this pain like usual but no, this time, things are different. I am not sure with my feelings. I really want him back and at the same time I think it would be worthless. Like, what If he leaves me once again? Could it be worse?

I have been thinking all the possibilities about me, and him. What if we get back together ( which is we won’t. Yes I know him, he is the one who will stick with his decision.) and what if we not. And I don’t really have an answer for that. My thoughts are such a mess. Nothing seems right and nothing could make it right, for now.

For what happened between us, I actually blame myself too, for being such a weirdo and do things I think could hurt his less but probably I did hurt him more than I expected. And now, I have become an insensitive bitch who can’t stop annoying him.

“You ruined my future.”

Yup, I told him that. And I am sure that is the meanest thing someone could ever say to someone who actually care. But by saying that I didn't mean for all what he have done my future is all blurry or maybe blacked out but I need to tell you people this thing;

Once you hurt someone, you may be forgiven but the nightmare that stay, it will haunt till the rest of the life. I will be fine, eventually but the feeling will never go away. And that is how people get the emotional breakdown. And please, stop saying that people who have this kind of problem have bad relationship with the Creator. You will have no idea how many times they cry, asking Him to wipe all the sadness away. You will never know the guilt they feel for facing Him, making too much whishes although they know His love and mercy have no limit, although they know He will always be there throughout the ups and downs. The pain is real.

I can be strong. I can keep my head up high. I can still give my smile and laugh at the stupid jokes.

But it will be somehow tiring. One day, maybe tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, more few months or maybe years, the feeling will come and haunt me back. I can still feel the sadness, frustration, anger, all at once and that time, I am sure all the nightmares I had will come all together. I will never ever hate anyone but myself. I will never ever blame anyone but me. Because you know why?

I failed. I failed to be the best, I failed to control my emotion, I made people disappointed. I failed.

And that is how I give myself a sweet nick; The Professional Loser.

Have you ever woke up in the morning feeling so sad because you had nightmare when youre asleep?

I don't know what happened in my dream but I still know the exact feeling I felt. And the worst part is theres nothing I can do about it because it's only a dream.

And that sucks.

Well my thoughts are changing like how I tend to pick different heroes everytime I play dota. Sometimes when the positive vibes hovering around me I don't even feel sad  when I had my heart crushed. But sometimes I feel like wanna spend my whole night clutching my pillows  crying just because it's too hard to fall asleep.

Life wont always be good isn't it. I guess I'm okay with that.

No more twitter, Facebook and even instagram now. Well, I decided to just uninstall them all I when to try to okay I think it shouldnt be mentioned why. But wooo thats kinda hard to an introvert like me hahaha so I think I will write here more since obviously nobody is going to listen to me haha okay that sounds pathetic.

Next time I think I'm gonna write about helplessness. This is not a promise but I will try.

Bon nuite